Book Review: The Cuckoo's Calling by J.K. Rowling (as Robert Galbraith)

Hope you like swearing! And interviews!

So The Cuckoo's Calling is a fairly weak murder mystery from J.K. Rowling, who wrote it as a pseudonym, probably because it sucks. Now, it doesn't suck too much in terms of writing style; it's written competently, and the dialogue is very good, and the structure of the individual chapters is realistic and well composed. It sucks for reasons outside of those.

First up, the language. No need whatsoever for it to be so profanity-laden, and it does detract from the story. It also has some fairly ridiculous character names (the main character is named Cormoran Strike) and it has a very large plot hole that undoes the entire book. Below are spoilers.

A supermodel is murdered, but everyone, including the police, are flatly convinced it is a suicide. The model's brother hires a failing private detective to investigate it, particularly the mystery of a masked runner who was caught on CCTV running away from the murder shortly after it was committed, very late at night.

It turns out that the runner was the model's long-lost brother, who was visiting her at 2 am and was masked. Uh-huh. He saw her fall from her apartment balcony, and it spooked him so he ran. And the brother who hired the private detective was the murderer. So....

1) Why did he hire a detective to prove that his sister was murdered? What murderer does that?
2) Why did the long-lost brother flee the scene, and why was he even there at all at 2 am? No one would do that. And why was he masked?

The answers the book provides:

1) None, although you sort of gather from the subtext that it was so the detective could find the long lost brother runner, who you assume is a 'loose end,' even though when they do find him he is 100% convinced he witnessed a suicide. Why put the detective onto the murder idea? Why not just do a missing person investigation, like to find the runner so you can see if he knew 'why the model killed herself.' There are far less risky ways to have gone about this without hiring a detective to basically convict you of murder.
2) "She was eccentric" and wanted him to come over late at night. He was masked because it was cold, officially, but unofficially it was so that he wouldn't be easily identified on the CCTV, thus giving a reason for this ridiculous plot to exist.

There are other problems but it's not worth going into really, other than to say that 95% of the book is the detective interviewing suspects in real time. Each chapter is some other person he talks to and gets slightly more of the puzzle from. The limo driver, the fashion designer, the friend, blah blah blah.

It's not funny, it's not interesting, it's really not worth your time unless you're a dispassionate admirer of writing from a technical standpoint, and only then just on a chapter-level. Structure-wise, the book is a mess. Who wants to read 400 straight pages of witness interviews? There is no action in this book. Nothing happens to anyone. The detective makes appointments for his interviews and people go to them and he talks to them and writes it down.

I would say that I could write a better book, but of course if I could I would have done so by now and bloggers could be ripping on it AS WE SPEAK and I will chuckle from my writing mansion, saying 'sucks to be you, bloggers,' while I ride around on my solid gold horse. (It has wheels.)

But since I haven't done any of these things, your best bet is to read something else. Maybe this blog? I get like a penny or so every time you read something, so go read 100 things and I will be able to buy most of a fourth of a gallon of gas.

Yay?

Dusk Sector Episode 1: The Grave Digger

 

You are traveling along a dark road. You don't know how you got here, or where you're going. Up ahead you see a truck stop. You miss it, but fortunately there's a light further ahead where you do a U-ie. You've just crossed over into...The Dusk Sector.

Meet Charles Major, age 39. It's been a long day and, tired from work, Mr. Major decides to take a walk to clear his head. Unfortunately, this may be the last walk he ever takes.

[Charles walks along a dark sidewalk. He stops to get his bearings, but he finds that the road is too dark and he can't read his map. Further away, he sees a dim light. He heads towards it, only to find it is on the other side of the spooky Oakville Cemetery.]

Charles: This certainly is a spooky old cemetery.
Gravedigger: You can say that again.
C: AAAaah!
G: Oh, sorry about that. I thought you saw me.
C: Oh, well, sorry, sir. I saw a light...that must have been you.
G: A light, eh?
C: ....
G: ....
C: *coughs*
G: Anyway, come with me.

Charles and the spooky gravedigger, who is just as spooky as the old spooky cemetery but even more so, walk through the darkness. They pass many statues and spooky tombstones. They reach an area where the Gravedigger has been digging a new grave. There is a lantern hung up in the trees. It is swaying spookily.

C: Ah-ha, this is where I saw the light coming from.
G: Must have been, I suppose. I need some light so I can do my work.
C: Well don't stop on my account. I just need to get my bearings.
G: Suit yerself...but I need to git back t' work.

Charles isn't sure why the Gravedigger has started talking like a prospector, but he takes out his map and tries to locate his surroundings. The Gravedigger keeps on digging a new grave.

G: Well, I think that's deep enough!
C: (Looking over) Yes, that looks pretty deep.

Just then, Charles notices the tombstone for the grave. It reads: Charles Major: 1921-1960. Lightning strikes across the sky and thunder roars.

C: It...it can't be!
G: Oh, but it is, laddie.

Now sounding like a Scottish highlander, the Gravedigger pulls a rope and a coffin drops from the tree, landing in the hole. The door pops open and inside lays Charles Major.

C: Nooo!
G: (Laughs maniacally)
C: That's so weird, he has my same name but he died over 53 years ago! How weird of a coincidence is that?
G: No so weird. Charles Major is a fairly common name around these parts. Buried about 3 of them in the last 6 months, in fact.
C: Crazy!
G: Indeed.
C: Well, I think I've found my way, so I'll be headed off. Have a good night!
G: You too! Travel safely.

Charles Major walks safely home to his wife and kids, and has a pleasant evening. Never quite realizing that he is lucky to be alive after spending a night in...The Dusk Sector.

I got my computer back!

For the last 6 weeks, my computer has been broken-an unfortunate victim of an accidental smashening. Miraculously, ASUS offered a free accidental damage protection insurance, which I fortunately qualified for. It took a very long time, but it was free, and my computer arrived back today in one piece! They had wiped off all its data, but 97% of it was backed up, so nothing too bad occurred.

So look forward to (or if you are not a fan, then dread) more blogging in the near future!

Greg Abbott, or "Wow, I'm really out of practice."

“The beast known as federal bureaucracy .  .  . is consuming this country and diminishing both the rights of states and individuals in a way that must be stopped.” There’s an inverse relationship between government and liberty, he told Evan Smith of Texas Tribune. “The more powerful the federal government, the less liberty individuals have,” he said. “It’s almost like a mathematical equation.”

-Greg Abbott

PJ O'Rourke

"By observing the progress of mankind, we can see that the things that are good for everyone are the things that have increased the accountability of the individual, the respect for the individual and the power of the individual to master his own fate."

-PJ O'Rourke

Book Review: Unnatural Creatures by Neil Gaiman

This was good! But Neil Gaiman almost always delivers. I've read three of his books and 2 of his short story anthologies, and all of them are really good.

Unnatural Creatures is his latest anthology, and he selected some decent stuff. I like that he finds things that are unusual but not too weird, and he is usually family friendly. In this book, he only contributed one original story while the rest are by other authors, but they all have a similar feel to them in many ways, so it feels consistent.

- The Spot by Gahan Wilson
A spot grows on the carpet and moves around the house in a large mansion. It was short of amusing but ends abruptly.

- The Cartographer Wasps and the Anarchist Bees, by E. Lily Yu
Meh. An odd story told from the perspective or warring wasps and bees. Not really a good fit.

- The Griffin and the Minor Canon, by Frank R. Stockton
This one's really good. A Griffin comes to a town to see his own reflection, which is a carving of him placed over a church. He is befriended by a priest. It had a good ending. Not scary or anything-none o these are. But a nice 'story' feel to this one.

- Ozioma the Wicked, by Nnedi Okorofor
A girl can talk to snakes. This one is very short.

- Sunbird, by Neil Gaiman
Another good one-this is about people who eat rare animals and attempt to eat the sun phoenix.

- The Song of Theare, by Diana Wynne Jones
A long story about Greek(ish) Gods who find out that someone will be born who will question them. Someone is born. He questions them.

- Gabriel-Ernest, by Saki
A very old (100+ years) story about a werewolf. Short and written, of course, in a very old fashioned style, but this was OK.

- The Cockatoucan; or, Great-Aunt Willoughby
A fun one about a land where a bird laughs and causes things to magically switch up. A good read.

- Moveable Beast, by Maria Dahvana Headley
This one was deliberately trying to be off-kilter. It has a twist ending. It's about a beast who lives in trees in the middle of a town.

- The Flight of the Horse, by Larry Niven
An OK one sort of about a guy who is sent back in time to retrieve animals and returns with mythical ones.

- Prismatica, by Samuel Delany
An excellent story, worth checking the book out just to read this one. A kind of fairly tale about a prince searching for a princess who has been imprisoned in 3 shards of a mirror. Fun, funny, adventurous, interesting-this didn't have any story clichés at all in it, and had a satisfying ending.

- The Manticore, the Mermaid, and Me, by Megan Kurashige
Interesting set-up about mythical things in a museum that come to life (it's not as Night as Museum-y as I'm making it sound), but it has plot holes and unresolved story stuff.

- The Compleat Werewolf, by Anthony Boucher
Another excellent one-this one is really funny once you get the hang of the writing. A guy meets a 'real' magician who teaches him how to turn into a werewolf. He gets into some trouble. This does a great job of getting you to root for the anti-hero, who you initially don't like at all.

- The Smile on the Face, by Nalo Hopkinson
Skip it. It rips on Christianity and isn't good or interesting at all. A girl is assaulted and turns into a snake. Yay.

- Or All the Seas with Oysters, by Avram Davidson (4/5)
Not that good, and most of the interesting stuff is implied and isn't explored well. It ends abruptly too.

- Come Lady Death, by Peter S. Beagle
A strong closer about an eccentric and wealthy woman who throws big parties and decides to invite Death to her last big party. A good idea and an interesting read, well-executed.

That's it! I actually read two Gaiman's last week, so the next review will be his excellent new original novel, The Ocean at the End of the Lane. Stay tuned!