Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Movie Review: Star Trek: Into Darkness

America, we've got to have a talk.

*turns chair around backwards*

So, you've made some pretty poor decisions lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe the Internet has melted your brain. Maybe public schools. But whatever the case, you keep missing the mark.

On May 24th, 2013, you allowed Star Trek: Into Darkness, to be surpassed at the box office by Fast and Furious 6 and The Hangover part III. And so I have to say that I would rather witness the descrution of Romulus 1,000 times over than live another day in a country in which Fast and Furious 6 and the Hangover part III overtake one of the greatest motion picture events ever put to film.

Have you no shame? Have you no dignity?

Think about that for a second. On one hand you have an incredible, stunning film, brilliantly acted, movingly scripted, expertly directed. On the other, you have Vin Diesel and the Rock driving cars around to save Michelle Rodriguez. Michelle. Rodriquez. And the Rock. And Vin Diesel. You thought that was better than the motion picture event of our lifetimes.

Think about what you've become. Think upon your sins.

If you haven't seen Star Trek: Into Darkness yet, you are not just a misinformed moviegover, you are a BAD HUMAN BEING. There is something that has gotten into your brain and died, turning you all hollow inside. Make no mistake: the armageddon is coming, and 90% of it is because you allowed Fast and Furious 6 and The Hangover Part III to overtake Star Trek: Into Darkness at the box office.

Perhaps you missed all the marketing. It would be difficult to, but I suppose it's possible. WHY DIDN'T YOU MARK IT ON YOUR CALENDARS? Why didn't you set an alarm?

Maybe you have an aversion to incredible movies that are insanely brilliant and entertaining. Maybe you're just not a fan of hilarious, cool, moving, action-packed, surpsising, exhilirating sci-fi cinema. Perhaps you prefer your movies in black and white with subtitles, and dialogue that reads like a redacted CIA document. And again, perhaps you have chosen evil and decided to align yourselves with Satan and all he stands for.

Because of this, there might not even be a Star Trek 3 now. The incredible future that was portrayed on screen at such a level of realism that it felt 100x more like real life than any documentary ever made could be snuffed out, replaced by The Rock making jokes about race cars, and whatever the Hangover is about. I assume, hangovers.

You have failed me for the last time, America. But more than that, you have failed yourselves. But even more than THAT, you have failed your children. But even more than that, you have failed me. And my children. And they possibly could have played with your children, but not any more because I'm not going to let them.

Instead, I'm going to curl up in bed with a receipt for the pre-ordered video of Star Trek: Into Darkness, and am going to weep softly.

For shame. For shame...

1 comment:

Heidi said...

It was AWESOME in every sense! I didn't know you were also a Trekkie. Nice to find someone in the family who thinks like I do!