Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Original Story: Two Bright Gay Frogs

At a family gathering, an elderly grandpa has agreed to bring the grandchildren together to tell them some amusing stories. He calls everyone together to sit at his knee in the living room.

Grandpa: Hey there, kiddies!
Kids: Hey there, Grandpa!
G: Would you like to hear some of my famous home-grown stories?
K: Yaaaayy!
G: Alrighty then. Well, let's see. There are so many amusing stories that I could tell. Did I tell you the one about the gopher and the watermelon?
K: Yes, many times.
G: (Slightly taken aback) Oh! Oh OK, I see. Well then, I'd better dig a little deeper into my bag of tricks. How about the story of the frogs?
K: (No one seems to recall this story)
G: Ah ha! Well then, let's see if I can recall. Oh yes. "Two bright gay frogs were on their way, one bright and bashful day, when..."
K: (Giggling)
G: What?
K: Why are they gay?
G: Because it was a nice day and they were in a good mood.
One of the older kids: My friend Kayla at school has two moms that are gay, and they hold hands in public all the time.
Other kids: Eeeeewww!
G: Wait, wait. Look, they're not 'gay' gay. They're gay. Like, you know...like just happy and stuff.
Smaller kid: Are they happy because they like rainbows and rainbows are pretty?
G: Kids, just hang on here. They're not homosexual frogs. They're just platonic friends.
Kids: What's 'plutonick' mean? Does that mean they kiss each other?
G: No! Now gosh durn it, I'm trying to tell a story here, and all of these interruptions are very distracting. Just trust me, that the frogs are simply casual acquaintances who bear each other no ill will and are just hanging out. OK?
Kids: OK.
G: "Two bright, uh, happy frogs were on their way, one bright and bashful day, when they came upon an ass. "What big old hooves you have, kind sir," to which he replied, "Sassafrass!"
Kids: (Scandalized) Grandpa! You're not supposed to say that!
G: What now?
Kids: The ***A*** word!
G: A word? Now listen here, I'm an adult, and I can say all sorts of words. Which word was the A word?
Kids: You know which one!
G: (Realizing) Oh! Oh kids, that's just like a word for a donkey or a mule.
Kids: Why would you call him that? He seemed like a nice donkey or mule.
G: He is! Well, he's kind of grumpy, but that's OK, but look, I'm not swearing here.
Younger kid: I'm telling my Momma! (Runs out)
G: Suzy! Oh, now, look you guys. Some words' meanings change over time, and that's OK. Just bear with me and we'll try to finish the story.
K: Are you going to swear anymore?
G: Now....OK yes, fine, I'm not going to swear anymore. So listen up. "Three questions, please is all I ask, he said so niggardly, and on your way you frogs will be, so--"
K: (Horrified) GRANDPA! Holy cow!
G: Oh come on, it means "grudgingly mean" or something like that, and there's nothing intended--
K: I think we have somewhere else we should be. (The kids start dispersing.)
G: Look, no, wait! OK, I get it. Some old timey words don't quite mean the same things nowadays. I understand. I promise, I will do my best to entertain you and try not to use language that you might find offensive.
K: Promise?
G: Cross my heart! (Crosses his heart)
K: Well, OK. (They gather back together.)
G: I think for this one, I'm going to avoid controversy altogether and I'm just going to sing for you. How does that sound?
K: Great, Grandpa!
G: (Picks up guitar) OK then. Well here goes'! (Starts strumming a bluesy tune on the guitar...) "Frankie and Johnny were lovers, lordie oh how they did love..."



Hillary said...

I notice the cartoon is a rough resemblance to Grandy

Hanny said...

I'd make a comment but I'm highly offended by your original story.