The 5 Best Discontinued Foods

Life is unfair. This I know because the universe has cancelled various foodstuffs over the years and has never brought them back.

There is a special kind of agony inherent with experiencing excellent food being cancelled. Knowing that it will likely never come back gives you a helpless feeling not unlike saying goodbye to someone who is dying. Sure, you'll see them again in the eternities. But that doesn't help me now, here on Earth, where there are stressful days to get through and a limited number of increasingly mediocre snackstuffs.

Tonight we pay homage to our fallen brethren. RIP.

5. OLD WISCONSIN HONEY TERIYAKI BEEF JERKY

While I lived in Wisconsin, I experimented and tried a local flavor of beef jerky from a brand called Old Wisconsin. Now, I am just guessing at the flavor name. I think it was honey teriyaki, but I'm not positive. All I remember is that it was one giant, long piece of meat, that was a little bit pricey (if memory serves, $8 or $9 bucks or so), and it was the single best piece of beef jerky I had ever tasted in my entire life.

I was only in Wisconsin for a little less than 2 years, but I bought it as often as I could afford to, not realizing that its days were numbered. One day, the store stopped stocking them. I went to other stores. They weren't there. I went to others. No sign.

Finally, I wrote my first-ever letter to a company. It was to Old Wisconsin, via their website. I asked where their incredible beef jerky went, and they said it was cancelled due to lack of interest. I told them that I found this news to be nearly devastating, and asked them to tell me as soon as it went back on the market. They said they would. I'm still waiting.

Today, Old Wisconsin has started back up a different line of beef jerky. When I saw that they had, I bought it immediately, even though the only option was like to by 8 at a time on Amazon. When it arrived, I was very worried to try it, for fear that it wouldn't be right. I tried it, and while it was good, it wasn't the original recipe. And it wasn't even close.

Old Wisconsin, bring back the old style. I will pay top dollar. Like, thousands, if you need. I will mortgage my home. Let's work out a deal.

4. COCONUT TWIX










This only existed for a really brief window around 2010 or 11 or so. I tried it just once-it was excellent. I love normal Twix anyway, but adding coconut to it was an inspired move. But like a TV show that gets cancelled after 1 episode, they yanked it almost immediately. Of all the items on this list, this one is the one I think has the least worst chance of coming back and being probably the same. I'll update this post in 20 years and we'll see if I'm right.

3. HONEY BBQ CHEETOS PUFFS

These were a pretty brief sales window as well, and I only ever got to have them in little snack sizes since the only place in all of Texas that I could find that sold them was my work vending machine. I bought up all that they had. They were delicious but awful. Like Sweet Spicy Chili-flavored Doritos, Honey BBQ Cheetos Puffs make you want to die. They were exquisite but made you feel like absolute garbage, like you were eating nothing but a bucket of grease and sugar. They were so good, they were bad. And they were done way too soon.

2. BBQ PORK, PANDA EXPRESS

Last year, for reasons unknown, Panda Express decided to pull a Spinal Tap and become 'more selective' in their appeal. Now, I like their Orange Chicken OK. But it's nothing without a serving of BBQ Pork to even it out.

The funny thing about BBQ Pork is that it was NEVER, EVER, EVER ready. They always had a spot for it, and I would always order it, and they would say ''it will take 4 minutes," as if that would deter me, and I would say, "great, I'll be over here, waiting," and they would go to the back room and get it and warm it up and bring it out and cut it up into pieces and get it to me. And it was incredible every time. Sweet and rich and delicious.

I figured it was only a matter of time before they discontinued it. Why else would they never have it ready? It must have been expensive for them (I assume so, since if it's anything like the cost of bacon, it's likely way pricey now), because they replaced it with a lame teriyaki chicken, which sucks.

So this is likely the only food on here whose existence I can directly blame on Obama, due to insanely high gas prices thanks to his anti-fossil fuel energy policies that drove up the cost of pork. Thanks a lot.

1. TERIYAKI FLAT IRON STEAK, GORDON BIERSCH

This was discovered entirely on accident. Jan and I had just been married about 1 month prior and we were in Pasadena on a mini-follow-up-honeymoon. I had to go there for my work so I brought her out and stayed a few days and we went to Disneyland and the beach and old town Pasadena and had a lot of fun.

But when it was time to go back to UT, we missed our plane and had to stay at a hotel near the Burbank airport. We didn't have our rental car anymore so we had to walk that night to find anything to eat. There was a Gordon Biersch nearby, which we had never heard of. We went in and I had the teriyaki steak.

I could go on and on but suffice it to say, it's the best steak I've ever had, anywhere, even comparing it to places where I've had steaks that were $75 each (fortunately, work vendors foot the bill on those outings-I'm not that crazy).

Every place we've ever moved, we have checked specifically for a Gordon Biersch so we can make sure we have access to the flat iron teriyaki steak. We were glad to see that there was a GB in downtown Brickell, which is right here in Miami close to South Beach.

We drove there about a month ago to fill up on steak and were floored when we checked the menu and found it wasn't there. We got back in the car and went elsewhere. I'm sure they have other nice things on the menu, but it's a pricey restaurant and I'm not going to pay top dollar for a distant 2nd place alternative.

If it ever brings it back, we'll return. But a company that decides to kill its best menu item doesn't instill me with hope. RIP, Flat Iron Teriyaki Steak. At least 2008-2013.